Monthly Archives: November 2012

No Doubt About It

‘But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.’

The one who doubts get… nothing. In the litany of good gifts from God, ‘nothing’ is an embarrassing gift. But in the catalog of consequence & punishment, there is no more horrifying a penalty than ‘nothing from God’. Imagine a place where God offers nothing – no peace & no joy; no delight & no purpose – what a hell that would be. In fact, that is Hell, to be broken off from the root that gives growth (Romans 11). But here on this side of eternity, doubt elicits a hellish non-response from God. Just sit on the scriptural stance that the doubter ‘must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord’.

And I doubt! I doubt my calling, my abilities, my God in using me, the love God has graciously & overwhelming bestowed on me, his provision for me, the mercies of each new day, & his hand on my present place… so that makes me an expert in nothing. Those low places, uncertain moments that elicit doubt, have birthed in me a phenomenal aptitude to get nothing good from God. And I know a lot about nothing!

But what may be most convicting is not the reality that my ‘nothing’ moments are really a result of my own doubting, but that my response to those silences are usually a blame-shifting session where God is at fault for not blessing & leading me… in the middle of my unbelief.

‘He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.’ Yes he is. Yes, I am. Or at least, that’s exactly who I become when I doubt my Lord. And I do not want that.

I want to be a blessed man, steadfast in my affection for God & certain that God loves me & is set to bless me. And mindful of how James 1 so accurately defines me, I will pray Psalm 67 over me:

‘May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us, that your way may be known on earth, your saving power among all nations. Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you! Let the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you judge the peoples with equity and guide the nations upon earth. Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you! The earth has yielded its increase; God, our God, shall bless us. God shall bless us; let all the ends of the earth fear him!’

Be blessed today & trust that God is for you.

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Bullied By Me

I’ve been in a tough season in life. Family is great, healthy & happy. Physically I am ending 2012 more than 30 lbs lighter than I started it. Financially God is providing for us as we give back & ‘render unto Caesar’. But I am hard-pressed… because I’m an idiot.

Don’t feel bad for me. The last 2 months have been a tragic discovery of all the things that I convince myself God won’t do in me, with me, or through me. But this tragedy is entirely self-inflicted. I have passionate support from my amazing wife. My folks & sister know me & still believe in me. Even my son, as his mind develops & his cognition builds, knows I’m not super-human, but when he watches me I see so much hope & joy. Former colleagues, current coworkers, friends, & people I’ve known for years have all been supportive.

But I beat me up.

I believe in the God that parted seas, raised the dead, & conquered His own bodily death, but I doubt that he’s appointed me, called me out. And discovering my faithless & untrusting spirit has been awful. It is an ugly side of me & my heart that I do not like.

But God hasn’t moved.

I have wiggled all over the place. And eventually, our family has landed beside a tremendous movement of God, through his church, asking if we’d all go all in. Not more or ‘above & beyond’, but a total sell out to God’s work & movement here. And we are working through that. It isn’t easy. We’re new. I have absolute certainty that God has called me into full-time ministry. And this has nothing to do with work. This is personal, voluntary, & committed beyond vocation.

And God speaks.

The last 4/5 days have been wonderful. I have prayed & felt peace. Sought out counsel & received it. Asked tough questions at home & had great talks with Grace. And in my personal study/prayer time, here is the verse that has captured my heart. Exodus 14:14 -‘The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

So I’m leaving me alone. I’ve backed off of the bullying, & I’m letting God fight for me… against me. I know who I am in Christ. I need to determine where He wants me to lead our family. And I will… in His time. He speaks. He leads. He loves me & my precious family more than I do. He has a great plan for us.

And I’m ‘All-In’ for whatever that may be.

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