Bullied By Me

I’ve been in a tough season in life. Family is great, healthy & happy. Physically I am ending 2012 more than 30 lbs lighter than I started it. Financially God is providing for us as we give back & ‘render unto Caesar’. But I am hard-pressed… because I’m an idiot.

Don’t feel bad for me. The last 2 months have been a tragic discovery of all the things that I convince myself God won’t do in me, with me, or through me. But this tragedy is entirely self-inflicted. I have passionate support from my amazing wife. My folks & sister know me & still believe in me. Even my son, as his mind develops & his cognition builds, knows I’m not super-human, but when he watches me I see so much hope & joy. Former colleagues, current coworkers, friends, & people I’ve known for years have all been supportive.

But I beat me up.

I believe in the God that parted seas, raised the dead, & conquered His own bodily death, but I doubt that he’s appointed me, called me out. And discovering my faithless & untrusting spirit has been awful. It is an ugly side of me & my heart that I do not like.

But God hasn’t moved.

I have wiggled all over the place. And eventually, our family has landed beside a tremendous movement of God, through his church, asking if we’d all go all in. Not more or ‘above & beyond’, but a total sell out to God’s work & movement here. And we are working through that. It isn’t easy. We’re new. I have absolute certainty that God has called me into full-time ministry. And this has nothing to do with work. This is personal, voluntary, & committed beyond vocation.

And God speaks.

The last 4/5 days have been wonderful. I have prayed & felt peace. Sought out counsel & received it. Asked tough questions at home & had great talks with Grace. And in my personal study/prayer time, here is the verse that has captured my heart. Exodus 14:14 -‘The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

So I’m leaving me alone. I’ve backed off of the bullying, & I’m letting God fight for me… against me. I know who I am in Christ. I need to determine where He wants me to lead our family. And I will… in His time. He speaks. He leads. He loves me & my precious family more than I do. He has a great plan for us.

And I’m ‘All-In’ for whatever that may be.

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2 Comments

Filed under Growth

2 responses to “Bullied By Me

  1. Roma White

    Hey Brad, my friend we all just have to remember we serve an awesome God. He always forgives and blesses us with His wonderful Grace and Mercy. We all are not perfect, but when we work in and out of a situations and we learn by them and make changes for the better, that is called growth in this journey we call life and growth in our walk with Jesus, our Lord and Savior. We love you, Grace and Parker and will be lifting you up in prayer.

    Like

  2. Connie Pruitt

    Brad, what an inspiring way to put it. I started 30 days of gratitude on my Facebook today with today being so simple yet so big and I thought that what I’m most grateful for today might be of encouragement for you today… God has this! In all that we do, say, are & face… God has this! I’ll be praying for you!

    Like

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