Monthly Archives: August 2015

Influence & Our Lil Boy

We have two kids. The 6 year old is just like me. I’ll post about him eventually, & it will likely revolve around passing on bad habits or something equally humbling. But this post is for Elliott, our gorgeous, precious, 16mo. old. He’s great. With 10 teeth, he has an incredible smile. He’s learning, growing, into cuddles, & adventurous. And just this week, he taught me something so valuable.

You repeat whatever you hear the most.

It seems so simple. Mommy talks about Daddy, & before long we heard “Da-da”. Daddy talks about Mommy, & “Ma-Ma” sticks. And along with those two staple terms, he’s got variations of these words: up (for being held), yes, no, baby, boo, mwah (to make a kissing sound), & countless indecipherable terms that I’m certain are brilliant. But for the most part, he’s learned what we intended for him to learn. But that changed this week, when he was in our living room, just all of the boys…

“Bubba”

For those from the north, this probably evokes a giggle & some slam on being southern. Go ahead, we don’t mind….

But what makes this even more precious is that he said it to Parker, his big brother. And I’ve been calling Parker “Bubba” since he was a baby. I don’t know why. I just have. And now it’s a family-wide thing. I say it. Grace says it. I’ve heard other family use it. Even a friend called our oldest “Bubba” at breakfast last week. And somehow, Elliott caught on. And he heard it enough for it to become more than a term her recognizes. It’s now a term he says. So it went from foreign to familiar, then normal to repeatable. It was great to hear. And now he says it all the time.

What are your influences?

Influence is tricky. Aristotle said that ‘We are what we repeatedly do’, but I think he may have missed the real impact of influence. Yes, what I do may very well define me, or at least my character. But what I read, hear, & take in trains me. Whoever I go to for counsel, accountability, gossip, or fun are my teachers. The inescapable reality is that we don’t control all of our influences. 

So what influences you? Do you have mentors in your life? Now I don’t mean blogs you read or podaasts you listen to. I mean, who are the people that directly lead you? No one? Go find someone. And in my experience, ask someone hugely important or impactful in your life. They just might say yes! And beyond mentors, what do you read, listen to, or spend your time on? I am in no way speaking against the fun things in life! To be transparent, I love all sports, country music, woodwork, pro wrestling, joking around, competing, winning, & going out with Grace, my wife. I am certainly not against enjoying this great life we’ve been given. But let’s be honest… If you are immersed in negativity, you become negative. If you are surrounded by hopelessness, your outlook becomes progressively more hopeless too. If you are neck-deep in relationships that promote something unhealthy, the impact is just damaging. It just IS!! I didn’t make up influence. I just want to repeat & lead positivity, hope, health & growth!!

Who do YOU influence?

Unfortunately, influence is not the exclusive property of leadership. You can be influenced by countless combinations of things, people, objects, & ambitions. And in return, you can influence countless people.

This is the one that convicts me the most. I influence my wife. I’m pouring something into my sons. I’m training the people that work with & for me. And as I prepare to send this out, I’m seeking to influence friends & strangers alike. It is daunting to think about how easily I influence anyone I come in contact with!

In my anger, influence. When I’m openly discouraged or disappointed, influence. When I’m unfocused or silly, reckless or off-center, I am an influence on the lives around me. And those people are… well, they’re people. Humans who love & hope & have plans. And in a moment, I can leave an imprint.

What will our influence imprint be?

If you’re like me, this is both encouraging & kind of a bummer. People are watching. Some of those people are learning. So it is up to me to try & control what they’re learning, & what they are learning from me is seen in my responses to life, challenges, happiness, disappointment, trials, failure, success, etc. & only I can control it. 

So be intentionally influential today. There’s a person that’s about to blurt out a “Bubba” that your life has taught them, so lead well!!

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Stress Management – & other stuff I FAIL at 

Stress consumes me so easily, so quickly. I think I’m just a wildly emotional person, because a lot of emotions work that way with me. But none of those other feelings effect me as physically & emotionally as stress does. 

#thinktightrope

Monday was a bear of a day, & I didn’t handle it incredibly well. A handful of factors gave me full clearance to land on the stress runway, & I crashed the plane right on top of it. Unfortunately, my attitude, leadership, patience, & perspective were on board, & they all were severely injured in the crash.

But, why? Did anything catastrophic happen? Nope. Was there some moral failure uncovered that destroyed relationships? Not at all. Here’s what I think happened. I think I came in looking for stress, & I found it. I went on a scavenger hunt for things to upset me or negatively raise my heartbeat, & I found a lot! But how did that happen?

Think about a tightrope. 

One rope, wound & secured between a location point & a destination. Pole to pole, the rope is fastened with as much tension as it can stand, because no one successfully walks across a poorly attached, overly forgiving tight rope. And there are really just two ways to navigate the rope I think.

If you have a positive view, the word is balance. All you’re aiming to do is to maintain balance as you walk across immense & important tension. You need the tension to succeed, & with balance you easily make your way to the destination. Or you could take the negative view. Same rope. Same destination. But your perspective is negative. You climbed the pole consumed with falling off the rope. You’re questioning the tension, consumed by how the tension could let you down, completely out of balance because no one skillfully walks the rope when they’re riddled with fear, doubt, & pessimism. Simply put, the tension has become your excuse for stress. 

We all have tension, but how we approach it determines our success

I love a visual aid. Hope this one helps. Anyway…

Falling before you even climb up

What is particularly convicting for me is the reality that, many times, I’m stressed out before I’m even in the tension. Issues at work, thinking about my health, thinking about the future I’m giving my kids, relationships, ministry… I’m on the hunt for stress in some areas of my life, long before the tension can even find me. And you can call it whatever you like: pessimism, negativity, poor perspective, bad leadership, or whatever else you choose, but really it’s just failure waiting to happen. 

I came to work on Monday, ready for a ‘Monday’. And you know what I got… exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for personnel problems, system failures, complaints, & stressors, & I found every last one. And my response has bothered me for the last 3 days. 

So today I walked in with a different perspective. There are going to be problems, but I’m one of the  leaders that can help us get beyond some issues, solve others, table a couple for later, & win the day. When a large issue blew up on me today, I took it. It was tense & I had an inner-thought moment that was ready to exonerate myself, blame-shift a bit, & lash out as a wrongly accused bystander…. but today I wanted to stand up in the tension. It doesn’t matter how I was a part of it. It was on my rope today, & it did not knock me off.

But there’s a rope every single day

Today the tight rope was at work. There was plenty of tension. Some of it was easily navigable, but a few moments crept in that easily could have knocked me off course. And had I got on the rope negatively, stress would have been my downfall. 

And we can’t control all of the tensions in our lives. But we have control over our preparations & responses. And in those areas we must be determined to maintain balance. To ‘live peaceably’ (Romans 12:18 ESV) on top of the tension. Because there will be tension, & it is up to me whether or not that tension gets me where I’m going, or helps me fail to accomplish what got me on the tight rope in the first place. 

Hope this was encouraging. As always, I love comments & new ideas, so send me some!

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Losing Your Calling, Learning to Dream

This is 2 years in the making, & could probably be edited, added to, & then completely deleted & rewritten for the rest of my life. But I’m 35 as I type this, & I don’t know my personal calling/purpose, & I haven’t had a dream for myself in well over a year. Closer to two years now, I guess.

I was in a car accident late into 2013, with my, then 4 year old, son. We walked away, & so did the lady that didn’t see her red light. All was fine for a month or so, & then I just started ‘drifting’. Losing focus at work & home. Tired all the time. Wildly unmotivated. And the numbness in my hand grew to a numbness throughout my whole left side by Christmas. And then in early January, I fell down a flight of steps because my left leg just lost its strength. 

There are details I could explain, but if you’re interested, look up hydrocephalus & emergency shunt revisions. The shunt had punctured my thalamus on the right side of my brain, & slowly the left side of my body turned off. I remember pieces of October, 2013 – March, 2014, but for the most part, it’s a lot of blanks. And somewhere in the surgeries, recovery, rehabilitation, & recovering feeling where it had been gone (the left side of my mouth still droops a bit), I lost the hope I had in my own future. 

A minister losing hope is a special kind of tragedy. 

I was a pastor once. I’ve seen saved & baptized people of all ages & walks of life, in Ohio, S. Carolina, Tennessee, & N. Carolina. I love preaching & teaching. And I really love being with people who want to grow closer to God. But I haven’t preached in a pulpit since August, 2010. And before the accident, it was a calling ‘on hold’. God had placed me in a season of growing & listening, & at that moment, I was enjoying it (if memory serves… & it might not. So forgive me if I’m ‘misremembering’ that). But then the doctor thought I had a tumor. Or I thought I was having the longest stroke in history. No matter what, I was breaking down physically, & the me I knew was gone. 

There’s a big scar on my head where a little one had been since 1985, when I had a surgery I can’t remember. I used to sleep comfortably on my right side. Now I wake up in the middle of the night in pain, because the right side of my head & neck is not what it used to be. I’m still trying to learn how to lay down comfortably. I worry a little just before I pick up my ever-growing 6 year old. I watch my step when I’m carrying his little brother, because I don’t trust my feet as much as I used to. And I wear out every day. It’s wild to see. And usually I can hide it at home. But last month, my boss & I were meeting & we were chatting about intentional growth for our team, & it hit me. The lights just dimmed so fast. I think I fell asleep. And I’d been working a normal 7-8 hour day. I just wear out. I’m trying to control it. I’ve pulled over on the drive home from work multiple times. I stand up in meetings sometimes. I can’t read while I’m reclined, & that was my favorite. But of all the things I’ve either lost or had changed on me, I miss my dreams the most. 

I was a dreamer, a ‘big ideas’ guy with my head up in the clouds. And I liked it up there. Quasi-philosophical, deeply theological, often surreal in my thoughts & expectations, & always guided by my wide-open passion for Christ. The flip side is that I was distant, rarely productive, scattered, & I hated trying to focus on stuff that didn’t interest me. But I was fun, I think. Goofy might be the best word. And I miss that guy. I wonder if Grace, my wife, misses him too. Because now I’m a pessimistic realist a majority of the time I wonder when the next big medical emergency is coming. (We’ve been married 8 years. I’ve had 3 surgeries, & 2 of them were pretty serious.) I worry a lot. And coincidentally, stress is great for your body & general health. 😳 But I see what has happened, & I’ve tried some things over the last year.

Goal-setting is not easy, & most people do it really incorrectly.

Being a recovering dreamer myself, I have found a good definition to my old ways of dreaming. I used to exclusively set Outcome Goals. For instance, I’d say I wanted to write a book, but never trouble myself with coming up with topics, writing often, or planning at all. ‘I’m gonna lose weight!!’ But I had no plan… Just a massive void of big ideas & fantasy-inspired dreams. And now I’m working on a new strategy, grounded in realism, but not bound to the pessimism & hopelessness that I’d define most all of 2014 with. Researchers & strategic analysts call this idea creating Input Goals. The plan is fundamentally very simple.

In order to write a book (outcome goal), I’m going to write for 15 minutes every day (input goal). In order to lose weight (outcome), I’m gonna walk/run/lift 3 times a week (input).

Simple right?

Setting goals is key to regaining your dream/calling… I think. 

So this is where I’m at now. I want my dreams back. I’d like to have some big goals, some long-term plans that don’t sound like a dude wondering about seeing his kids grow up (& that has been the entire goal set for longer than I care to think about). And I don’t really have a set destination. So here’s what I care about, & what I’m doing to achieve some things in those areas.

Family – We are paying into the debt that we have every month. Ultimately, I guess being debt-free is the desired outcome, but I’m sure there will be more to come for that. I also try to talk to Parker every day. He’s our oldest, & I don’t mean I’m trying to greet him or give him a life lesson a day. I mean a conversation. I want him to hear that I’m invested in him without me telling him that I am. And I want to go on dates with Grace. I like dating her a lot.

Leadership/Influence – I have 5-6 people that I intentionally speak to weekly about their lives, decisions, goals, & growth. I also have 2-3 that I ask for help from, as mentors of mine. I’m also trying to read/listen to something that stretches me every day (devotional, article, book, podcast, etc). And all of those because I want to lead well, & be a positive influence on all whom I come in contact with.

Faith – Simple. I want to open the Bible every day. I want to pray multiple times a day. Outcome goal… Forget ministry. I just want to be closer to Christ. If ministry is in my future, I’ll let Jesus tell me himself.

Social Media – I know it’s silly to some, but I love the stuff. So I’m trying to stay connected to this cultural tidal wave through several outlets, staying both relevant & true to myself. It’s fun. My newest adventure is Periscope. Find me there at brad_caldwell. 

Life is hard. Living ain’t so bad.

It’s been a bumpy season in my life lately. But I’m still upright. I’m still standing, though I lean a little to the left in some places. I feel better right now than I have in over a year. And I just blogged… one more input goal down.

Booyah. Leave me some wickedly inspiring comments!

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